my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
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