Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
