So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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