Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
