Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
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Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
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I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
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