I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
