dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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