well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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