I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
