I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
