just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
