I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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