i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
