"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
