best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
