I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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