why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
