you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
