Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
they're like a gay fantastic four
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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