I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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