Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
