i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
