The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
