I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I need to stop coming to work sober
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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