have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
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