he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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