no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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