Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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