i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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