Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
