we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
