Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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