I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
