so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
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did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
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I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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