I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
