i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
