remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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