Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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