Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
