Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
