a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
