there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
