My Higher Power is John Stamos
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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