Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
so much tequila, so little girl.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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