made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
