there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
