I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
