if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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