and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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