Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
