Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
