Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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