I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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