I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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