Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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