eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
