o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Randomize
