in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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