Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
