I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
